The Role Of The Motley SBVAC Crew

• Each member should be assigned a role.
• The Probie is responsible for direct patient torture.
• The Crew Chief should be filling out a PCR and yelling at the family/bystanders
• The Attendant should be guessing taking vitals
• The Driver should be getting equipment and setting up the ambulance to kill the patient.
• The Crew Chief on call should be sitting in their girlfriends room far away from the call.

• The Role Of The Crew Chief (CC)
• The CC at the scene is in charge above anyone, except a GOD.
• The CC in charge at the scene should be especially sensitive to the rest of the crew. You should not drive to the call, interview the patient, take the vitals, treat the patient, and give the hospital presentation while the rest of the crew is standing there watching. Leave them behind!
• The CC should be getting the patient information, and stand out of the way while the rest of the crew is dealing with a slap-happy or infectious patient.
• At an MVA , The CC’s responsibility is the safety of the crew. This person is to start fires, Direct traffic into the crew and patient and act as a liaison with Public Safety for scene control.
• The CC is in charge of torturing the hospital with a presentation filled with useless information and lacking important information. They are also in charge of torturing the triage nurse by being clueless about what is wrong with the patient.
• The CC must not finish their presentation until in view of the triage nurse. This way the nurses get the pleasure of saying, "Thanks for notification SBVAC, I SEE YOU!"
• The CC should drag out the call as long as possible (a half hour on scene at least for a simple bruised knee, plus forty five minuets to write the PCR). This way we can 24 second calls because the other ambulance is OOS (see role of the driver).
• The CC is to leave any standby so that they get a call at the location of the standby before they get back to HQ.
• At any call that sounds serious all CC’s will buff. This way there are 5 people on the ambulance and another 10 at the scene.
• The CC is also responsible for driver training and must pass on all their bad habits(see rules for the motley crew)
• The CC is also in charge of making sure the Probie knows their place (see role of the Probie)
• To get the ambulance running, get suspended for it. Then return it to it’s original condition.
• To forget to disconnect the oxygen so the crew almost strangles the patient as they take them out of the ambulance
• To know alternative methods of healing ("I was paralyzed by magic", "can your parents help you on another level?")
• For every CC with a pager to buff every call so you get at least 10 people at the call.

• The Role Of The Crew Chief On Call(CCOC)
• The CCOC is responsible for making sure their pager malfunctions.
• The CCOC is responsible for not responding either to the infirmary or the scene in case of an MVA due to taking a shower or other activity away from their pager.
• The CCOC is responsible for misusing 80 by bringing their girlfriends home with it no matter where they live.
• The CCOC must park 80 in a place where it will get vandalized.
• The CCOC is responsible for only knowing that 80 is somewhere in Roth quad.
• To buff every call.

• The Role Of The Driver
• The Driver when enroute to the call and the hospital is in charge of playing with the lights and siren. They are encouraged to find new and interesting sound combinations. They are also in charge of slapping the CC’s hand when they attempt to touch the lights or siren.
• The Driver is in charge of torturing MEDCOM by find long ways to give simple signals.
• The Driver is responsible for turning into the HSC student parking lot instead of the hospital entrance. Thereby giving the CC more time to torture the hospital with their presentation.
• The Driver is most importantly in charge of upholding the law that no more than one ambulance may be in service at any time. If for some bizarre reason both ambulances are in service the driver must screw up one ambulance. This may be accomplished by:

1.  
   1. Putting the wrong fuel in BOTH tanks. This way the engine is FUBAR instead of recoverable.
   2. Shutting the rig off and leaving the batteries on thereby killing the ambulance. This way you will not have to transport the patient but will have to face the WRATH OF Zoltan!
   3. Revving the engine so high that it backfires and explodes. This way you not only destroy the ambulance, but discover a new sound (although it may be the last thing you hear).
   4. Driving the ambulance down Tabler steps. Although no one has tried this I am sure it would do some damage.
   5. Using the ambulance as a boat for Roth Quad Regatta. Same as above.
   6. Making sure the ambulance has not shrunk by driving it through the inner path by the library. This is also good for 7 to 28 years bad luck.
   7. Trying to get the ambulance as close to the actual scene as possible by driving it into a building, sections of fences, or the lower sections of the parking garages.
   8. Getting the ambulance stuck in the mud so that the patient has to get out and push.
   9. Trying to fit the ambulance in places it can’t, so the hubcap pops off (GUILTY!)
   10. To hit parked cars, and blame the other driver.
   11. To forget to lock the ambulance so someone steals the portable radios.
   12. To back the ambulance into a tree Destroying the back step.

• The Role Of The Attendant
• The Attendant is in charge of attaining vital signs , and annoying the CC with dumb suggestions of how to care for the patient
• The Attendant is also in charge of pointing out that their dumb idea was better than the CC’s moronic one.
• The Attendant is in charge of making sure the ambulance is fully stocked at the start of shift. Yes you actually have to open cabinets to do this.
• The Attendant is responsible for removing the plastic wrapping that the splints come in. This way instead of having a reusable splint, it becomes a very expensive disposable splint!
• To not know where anything is on the ambulance, despite doing rig check everyday.
• To not know how to assemble the stairchair so it collapses on the patient.

• The Role of the Probie
• The Probie is in charge of annoying all other members of the crew by getting in the way and asking stupid questions.
• The Probie is also in charge of making sure they don’t get left at the scene. As a new member NO ONE KNOWS YOU, not even your CC.
• The Probie is lowest in rank, just above the clueless civilian, and proves the old saying , " A little knowledge is a dangerous thing"
• The Probie is responsible for doing all the scut work. This includes answering phones & the door, emptying the garbage, cleaning anything, and bringing food for the CC (groveling doesn’t hurt) If they refuse they will be given to the Infamous crew to take down their ego a few pegs (see the SBVAC photo album ).
• It is also the responsibility of the Probie to take all the punishment that the other members of the crew dish out.

• The Role Of The Officer.
• Line Officers in order of rank are: GOD, ZOLTAN, Jay (a.k.a. The Infamous CC), and CCs.
• At a call, especially a 9 on a 13 all communication is to go through the line officer. This way they can be blamed for torturing KEG-977 / KEC-882
• All Decisions involving second calls, crews etc., are decisions of the line officer. However if the line officer should try to turn the ambulance into a sardine can then by all means the Probie should call for help.
• The line officer ‘s primary function at a call its to organize the scene, oversee the safety of the crew and the patient, make decisions involving second and third calls, determine when additional personnel is needed. Additional personnel?!?! Where will we put the patient??
• When a helicopter is requested, the officer is to coordinate the landing with Public Safety. Get Real The Helicopter?
• To repaint the "blue room" while the chief is away so that the SOP’s and bylaws have to be rewritten.

• The Role Of ALS
• ALS should always be called if the call is an actual emergency (ALS is far more efficient in killing the patient than BLS).
• If waiting for ALS will delay transport too long, Stall!
• The AEMT should always use technical language so as to show their superior knowledge... or lack of same!
• The crew at the scene should, when the AEMT arrives instantly disappear so they won’t help/hinder the AEMT. The crew can also be safe in the knowledge that the patients status is no longer entirely their fault (Hey CC, should we have waited an hour for ALS?)
• The Crew should have nothing done by the time the AEMT arrives so the EMT can show his knowledge of ALS by telling the AEMT, " BLS before ALS".
• To stick the patient numerous times and never get an IV, despite the fact that by the time you finished you could have been at the hospital.
• To give D50 to a diabeticand then discharge the patient with the blessing of medical control after the biggest cluster of a call ever!

• The Role Of the Infamous Crew
• The Infamous Crew is in charge of improving morale of the corp. By posting pictures and documents such as this one to the morale board.
• They are responsible for disciplining Probies, usually by hog-tying them to various equipment and then photographing and posting the punishment.
• They are responsible for torturing the officers by pranks (hey chief you better come down here the ambulance is on fire) destroying the base with massive water wars, and doing things without the officers permission or knowledge (What World Wide Web Page?!?!).
• They are also responsible for preserving the CC training by video taping them for all SBVACians to enjoy ("could you please puke in here?", "Forgot the backboard! ...Forgot the keys to 17! ...Forgot the headblocks! ...etc.").
• They are responsible for shocking the sensibilities of Probies ( bad time to open the door) by upholding the other definition of SBVAC (see Definitions for the motley crew).
• They are responsible for turning their pager on and off really fast so everyone thinks their is a call (especially in the middle of meetings).
• To pass on Jay’s humor to his probies and attendants so they do things worthy of him (See the picture book, "9 months later").

• The Tale of The Mascot

• Jokes for the Motley SBVAC Crew
• What is the difference between GOD and a Paramedic? GOD doesn’t think he’s a Paramedic.
• How do you find your newest member of the crew at an MVA with major trauma? Find the nearest tree or pole and listen for sounds of someone losing their lunch.
• How are trees and EMS personnel unlike each other? As a tree grows it gains rings. As a EMS’er grows the number of patches on their jacket decreases.
• What are the Three most requested items on an Ambulance? A Battering ram, Oil slick layer, and a really good ventilation system.
• Why do people go to the bathroom before they die? No one wants to be full of shit in front of saint Peter.
• Rules of vomit, First the patient, then the crew. The patient will always miss the basin.
• EMS we postpone the inevitable.

• Rules For the Motley SBVAC Crew
• If it’s wet, sticky, or not yours DON’T TOUCH IT!
• If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
• If it is broke screw it up some more than call 32
• No matter how easy something is someone will always screw it up
• There are only 5 times you get a call

1.  
   1. When a member of the crew is in the bathroom
   2. During a food run/while eating
   3. When you have a paper to write or exam to study for
   4. When someone is sleeping.
   5. When someone is living up to the other meaning of SBVAC

• If it felt good it was the wrong thing to say/do.
• The Radio must always be louder than the siren.

• Definitions for the Motley SBVAC Crew
• ALS - Advanced Life Support, with ALS you kill the patient
• BLS - Basic Life Support, with BLS you let the patient die
• CLS - Clueless Life Support, If you need to ask you fit this category.
• DLS - Dumb Life Support, when dumb should be a reasonable chief complaint.
• 9 on a 13 - standby on a structure fire
• SBVAC - Stony Brook Volunteer Ambulance Corp. , Sex Bondage Voyeurism Alcoholism Cavorting.
• The BLS - the main portable radio
• The ALS - the ALS portable radio
• 8 - FOOD RUN
• Jumpsuits - 1-Those things that finally came in after two years and many members complaints. 2-Those things that everyone who has one forgets to bring them to shift.
• Name tags - A fictitious part of the uniform, similar to mermaids you always hear about them but never see them.
• Heavy Rescue - two big guys named Bubba who come in and get the patient out of anything
• Key to the inner quads - The bolt cutters.
• AMS - altered mental status/ another major shithead.
• Defib - opposite of De truth
• Artery - study of fine paintings
• Vein - egotistical, self-centered
• Barium - what you do with you mistakes
• Dilate - to live long
• Tumor - an extra pair
• Urine - opposite of your out
• Pram - another name for a stretcher.
• SHPOS - subhuman piece of shit
• PIFOS - patient is full of shit
• H/T - Horizontal Taxi
• IBM - Incredible Barfing Man
• GHOMA - Get Him/Her Outta My Ambulance
• GHOMER - Get Him/Her Outta My Emergency Room
• PIM - patient is mangled
• FUBAR - Fucked up beyond all recognition
• PD - pretty drunk
• MAGGOT - medically able go get other transport
• FD - fucking drunk
• PUHA - pick up haul ass
• LASGLH - lights and siren go like hell
• ALS - another life saved
• The Infamous crew- The Sunday 5pm - 11pm shift that is responsible for most of the things posted to the morale board and all the recent pictures in the book.
• Jay - a truly fucked up, deranged, crazy, Asinine member of the Corp. that has nothing better to do than make up lame ass shit like this...

• But he Still makes you Laugh
• If this Document offends you TOO BAD!
• Don’t Read it or get a sense of humor!

Please don’t put this document down!!!

It is continued it 2 addendum’s: The Role of the Motley Summer Crew, and The Role of the Motley Winter Intercession Crew.

Sorry but seeing these are times of abnormal operation I felt they deserved separate sections.

The Role Of The

Motley Summer

Crew

Addendum I to The Role Of The Motley SBVAC Crew

• Role Of The CC
• To sleep through the shift.
• To tell the crew to meet them on scene forgetting that the driver doesn’t have keys to the ambulance.
• To forget they are on shift.
• To never see their crew during shift.

• Role of the Driver
• To never drive because there are always people driver training.
• Drive fast, hit things.
• Wake up the CC in the event of an actual emergency (Emergency?? On campus?? BWAHAHAHHAHHAHAAH!)

• Role of the Attendant
• To Driver train.
• Nothing else we don’t get calls.
• To take a leisurely stroll down to the ambulance so that they miss it.
• Wake up the CC in the event of an actual emergency (Emergency?? On campus?? BWAHAHAHHAHHAHAAH!)

• Role of the Motley Crew
• To go to B & R (31 flavors?? More like 6).
• To never know when they are on weekend shift because the list isn’t posted till the weekend.
• To only go on signal 8’s.
• To never see each other on shift.
• To do a rig check on their assigned week(BWAHAHAHAHAHA!).
• To figure out what that 3^rd spot is for other than Randi’s parking space.
• To take the ambulance to the beach (then we might get a call).

• The Role of the Motley Ambulance
• To work fine on a signal 8 and break down when enroute to a call.
• To not be recognized as an emergency vehicle by the grease monkeys in the garage.
• To sit for months at the garage so the mechanics(???) can call it repaired.(It hasn’t had any problems for a month, [because it hasn’t moved])

• Role Of Jay a.k.a. "The Infamous Crew Chief (yes I deserve my own category)
• To wander the building in search of his crew so he can get a pager and actually know if there is a call.
• To take his crew (3-7) to Roth to play Volleyball each week.
• To spend hours searching for a place open for a sig. 8.
• To spend every Friday looking for a room to sleep in.
• To make sure his attendant (8-11) can never find him.
• To make each driver fit the amb. Through the staircase and sign at the sports complex.
• To one day drive an Amb. Down Tabler steps and into Roth Pond.
• To get the FIRST SBVAC TUBE! (Yes he is a CC now god help the patient.)
• To keep pissing off the officers by writing this document and performing other pranks until he leaves.
• To make sure he lives up to the "other" meaning of SBVAC (after all he created it)

.

The Role Of The Motley Winter Intercession Crew

Addendum II to The Role Of The Motley SBVAC Crew

• To be stuffed in quarters resembling an Army barrack but half the size.
• To always be on call because there aren’t enough people for shifts.
• For none of them to be on campus because the housing sucks.
• To never have any calls because no one is on campus.
• For most of the responding crew to live far away from campus.
• To have non- SBVAC members on the ambulance during a call.

OK so it’s short but so was winter intercession.

Stay tuned "True Believers" for the next exciting edition of the "Role Of The Motley SBVAC Crew"

Brought to you by a grants from Dr. Kevorkian, Working harder to kill you faster. Jeffery Dahmer, We hunger for your participation,

Standard disclaimer: The views expressed in this document are mine alone, and do not reflect the views of the Officers (even though I am one now), Members, or Victims of The Stony Brook Volunteer Ambulance Corp

Last Revised:05/25/05 13:32

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